


Can you love?

by SansSerif



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Episode: s03e08-09 Human Nature/Family of Blood, Gen, Love, Normal Life, Nurse Joan Redfern
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-16
Updated: 2013-03-16
Packaged: 2017-12-05 11:14:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/722638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SansSerif/pseuds/SansSerif
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which the Doctor struggles with returning to himself and Martha asks questions she shouldn't know the answer to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can you love?

Such small things, words. Just a few syllables put together. And yet ever so powerful.

_“He’s like fire and ice and rage. He’s like the night and the storm at the heart of the sun.”_ Latimer’s voice echoed around the Doctor as he sat on the edge of his bed, staring down at the blank book in his lap. _“He’s ancient and forever. He burns at the center of time and he can see the universe.”_ None of those words, those placing of syllables, were new to the Doctor. All had been gleaned from the memories in his watch. And yet how deeply they cut.

_Why does he need you? Because he’s lonely_. Oh, Martha. Wonderful, patient Martha who watched over him for those months while he allowed himself to run away and live the life he could never have. Martha, enduring slurs and servitude for him. Doing… doing all that out of love. _Because I love him to bits. He doesn’t even look at me and I love him to bits._ How could he look at her when he could still remember Rose? No, falling in love didn’t occur to him. He had never thought that much about using the Chameleon Circuit, never properly done his research so he’d forgotten how much of his history he would lose. Forget how much it hurt to love someone.

_Would anyone have died_? Joan. Dear, dear Joan and all that could have been. Children, love for life, growing old together. Dying. 

Giving up, the Doctor set the journal of his travels aside and stood, heading out of his room but stopping when he noticed the ray gun on his desk, salvaged from the school so that no one would accidentally use it. John Smith’s memories were still running parallel to the Doctor’s and he could feel how easy it had been to slip back into fighting. It had felt too right, directing those boys in battle. If it weren’t for Joan’s words of caution he might have nearly enjoyed being back in the thrill of action, forgetting how easily humans died. 

Taking the weapon, the Doctor left his room, trying to ignore the empty thud of his shoes on the metal grating of the TARDIS. Martha was waiting for him in the console room but she didn’t say anything, recognizing the look on his face as he strode past her. Without hesitation, he pulled the door open and tossed the gun out into space, watching it disintegrate as it left the TARDIS’s air shell. He didn’t move once it was gone, staring out into that deep blackness.

A hand settled on his shoulder, causing him to look over at Martha before looking away again. It was several moments of silence before he asked: “Did you like John Smith?”

“He wasn’t you,” she answered. “He was nice but he wasn’t you.”

The Doctor shoved his hands into his pockets as he considered his next question. “Jo— Nurse Redfern asked me if I would change back to him.”

The hand on his shoulder tightened barely perceptibly. “What did you say?”

“Well, I’m here now, aren’t I?” The Doctor managed a smile at her.

“You wanted to though, didn’t you?”

“It’s the adventure I can never have, Martha,” he answered. “Living a life day to day… Someday you’ll be doing that again and that’s the one thing I can never have. I saw… I saw my future with her when we were holding the watch. Marriage in a small church, three children, laughter, family… Age and death… I can’t have that like you can.”

“Well, _I’m_ glad you didn’t go back to John Smith,“ she said, smiling up at him. “You could come stay with me, you know. Come try living that life. It’s not that much fun.”

“No,” he said, with that tilted shake of his head and sad smile. “I couldn’t. You know that. Trouble always finds me.”

“It’s fun, though. The trouble.”

“Yup. It’s what makes this old life worth it.” The Doctor stared out at space again for a moment before stepping back, shutting the door. “So, where to next?”

“You choose,” Martha answered as she watched him walk over to the console. She took an audible breath and he glanced over at her. “Doctor… Did… did it really not occur to you that you might fall in love?”

“It truly didn’t,” he said, trying to keep his voice gentle. He didn’t want to hurt her and false hope would only cause pain later.

“Is that… is that why you’re so lonely?”

“Martha, I told you about my home and my people. About the war we lost. You have your family to go back to. I can never return to mine.”

Walking over to him, Martha reached up to hold his shoulders, keeping him still as she studied his face. “You loved Nurse Redfern. You are capable of love.”

“John Smith loved her.”

“And you can’t?”

“I can’t love her, no. Even if John Smith is still there in me, I’m not him.”

Martha opened her mouth to ask something but the Doctor reached up, touching his fingers to her lips to keep her quiet. “No, Martha.”

“You don’t even know what I’m going to ask!” she said indignantly, muffled by his fingers.

“Some things shouldn’t be asked.” He pulled back, moving around the console. 

She watched him for a minute before following him. Wrapping her arms around his waist from behind, she laid her head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry I had to kill him.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“I’m still sorry, you were so happy as him.” She hugged him tighter and pressed her lips to his cheek before stepping back. Turning, she strode towards the corridor leading deeper into the TARDIS, not letting him see her face as she left.

_Your job was to execute me_. He had been too harsh. Was that who he was at the core, so harsh? No, just reluctant. Living as a human had been so perfect and very much less lonely.


End file.
